Texting and Alcohol
by The Last Deathly Guardian
Summary: In which Nakamura is allowed near a phone while drunk and Asano suffers. Crack-fic.


**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT own Ansatsu Kyoushitsu.

 **Age Adjustments:** Asano Gakushu (27 years old) and Nakamura Rio (27 years old)

* * *

 **Texting and Alcohol**

Closing the door with a heavy sigh, Asano Gakushu threw off his blazer on the couch, before sitting down himself. Geeze, he was tired. Rubbing his temples, he let out a loud yawn while simultaneously reaching for a couch pillow. _Damn it, I'm too lazy to go to bed_ , he grumbled groggily, hugging the fluffy pillow to his chest as he laid his head down. _If I have back problems after this, I'm blaming that Nakamura for-_

 _Buzz. Buzz._

Reaching for his phone, he slides it open. Squinting at the sender, he grumbled, "Honestly, what does she want now? Doesn't she know I'm spent?"

* * *

Nakamura Rio: heeeey, cna u pick me up?, im drukn

Nakamura Rio: oh wait,,u dont hvae to anymre. im home

Nakamura Rio: XD

Asano Gakushu: Yes Nakamura, I am aware of that when I picked you up and drove you home.

Nakamura Rio: caann you saty? plzz

Asano Gakushu: No.

Asano Gakushu: I've already drive home and I am very tired right now.

Asano Gakushu: So either go to hell or got to sleep. Take your pick.

* * *

Putting down the phone faced down on the coffee table, Asano tried to clear his mind once again, wanting to fall into the deep abyss that was sleep. Good grief, he needed the sleep so badly. He had a board meeting in the morning and seven appointments with other CEOs from various companies, three of which were foreign.

 _No, stop thinking about that._ Asano closed his eyes. _Don't think of anything. Nothing, nothing, nothing-_

 _Buzz. Buzz._

His eyebrows furrowed underneath his arm, but otherwise did not make a move to get up.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

No, he was _not_ going to pick that up.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

 _Buzz. Buzz._

BUZZ. BUZZ.

"Goddamnit Nakamura," he growled as he reached for the phone.

* * *

Nakamura Rio: oh

Nakamura Rio: tha' nto niceeee~

Nakamura Rio: say sworry

Nakamura Rio: nOW,..,

Nakamura Rio: now, nwo nwow, wnow!?s.

Nakamura Rio: heeeey, u ingoring me?.

Nakamura Rio: AASNO KUSHU! DONT IGNRE MEH.,.

Nakamura Rio: T-T

Asano Gakushu: I'm going to assume 'Aasno Kushu' is me, and 'sworry.'

Asano Gakushu: Go drink water and go to bed.

Asano Gakushu: I don't have time for your drunk texting.

Nakamura Rio: Noooooooo

Nakamura Rio: don't wanna go to beeeed

Nakamura Rio: the niiight is so fuuunnnn

Asano Gakushu: Nakamura, you will thank me in the morning. Go. To. Bed.

Nakamura Rio: ahhhhaksdkahsdf

Nakamura Rio: dont kill me .

Asano Gakushu: I won't. Sleep.

Nakamura Rio: only if us slepp whi t me :0~

Asano Gakushu: I can't do this. I give up, go talk to Karma.

Nakamura Rio: nooooo

Nakamura Rio: dont wanna tlk ot krma

Nakamura Rio: plzzz

Asano Gakushu: Go. To. Bed.

Asano Gakushu: That's an order.

Nakamura Rio: only is u come wit h me,,

Nakamura Rio: plzz plzz plzz

Nakamura Rio: T-T

* * *

Asano stared at the phone with a weary expression, already resigned to the fate of not sleeping for a while somewhere along the 7th line or so.

 _I'll deal with Nakamura tomorrow,_ he thought as he typed out his next reply. _It's better that she's texting me rather than doing something stupid in that drunken state of hers._

Not for the first time in his life, Asano Gakushu questioned his sanity the moment he decided to let Nakamura Rio into his life.

* * *

Asano Gakushu: No. Out of the question.

Asano Gakushu: How much did you drink?

Nakamura Rio: lostt count xxD porbbly leik 5054 thngiees

Asano Gakushu: ...I'll never let you go out with Ren again. He's a bad influence on your already incorrigible personality.

Nakamura Rio: awwwWWWWWWW,,,KUSHU CAREs bout meh..

Nakamura Rio: neh neh Kushu

Nakamura Rio: haev i ever tld you bout how nice u are? to me

Asano Gakushu: Apparently yes. You told me about seven times on the ride.

Nakamura Rio: oh oh

Nakamura Rio: did it hurt

Nakamura Rio: when u fell frm heavne?

Asano Gakushu: No, but it was pretty tiring to climb up from hell.

Nakamura Rio: OHH

Nakamura Rio: so thtas y ur so hottt XxD

Asano Gakushu: I should've seen that one coming.

Nakamura Rio: hav e u ever wondred wha hpens when u die?,.,.?

Asano Gakushu: No, I haven't. Go to bed, Nakamura.

Asano Gakushu: Also, get better pick up lines. I expected better ones other than those generics from you Nakamura.

Nakamura Rio: riiiight-o!

Nakamura Rio: lemme findd moreee

Nakamura Rio: do u belieev in karma.,.,?

Nakamura Rio: bcaus i kwno soem good karma-sutra posionsts

Asano Gakushu: Nakamura, stop. I refuse to think of that delinquent in such a way.

Nakamura Rio: noooo.,, ur liek on my list of tihngs to do 2 nite

Nakamura Rio: so will u marry me for jsut 1 nite?/.? :3

Asano Gakushu: ...go to bed.

Nakamura Rio: answ me kushu! _

Asano Gakushu: Fine.

Asano Gakushu: If I am able, I won't marry you for just one night, Nakamura.

Nakamura Rio: KUCSHU KUN SO KAWAIII

Asano Gakushu: I'm going to assume 'Kucshu kun' is me. You had your fun Nakamura, so go to bed.

Nakamura Rio: i iwsh i was ur dervative so i could lik tangetn to ur curves

Asano Gakushu: ...damn.

Asano Gakushu: Are you seriously talking about math while nearly blackout drunk?

Asano Gakushu: To bed right now, Nakamura. The alcohol has seriously addled your brain.

Nakamura Rio: oMMhg geuss what?, i used to be a gamblr, but then i realized al i needd ws the king of my hearts 3

Asano Gakushu: Nakamura, you're embarrassing yourself. Stop and go to bed.

Nakamura Rio: r u an a major-minor 7th chrod? bc i rlly wan u 2 resolve t2 ur majr D.

Asano Gakushu: Are you googling these or do you just know a lot about music?

Nakamura Rio: if i'd follow u home, would u keep me?

Asano Gakushu: I would most likely throw you out. Is this what Karma has to deal with everyday?

Nakamura Rio: HEEEEEY

Nakamura Rio: LETF PLAY TINTTANIC

Nakamura Rio: U BE THE ICEBERG..,,,. ILL GO DONWN

Asano Gakushu: I do find this amusing, but really it's late. I have work tomorrow, Nakamura. So sleep.

Nakamura Rio: nevveerrrrr

Nakamura Rio: evERything is OOORAngEEEE ans SpinY

Nakamura Rio: mY hnds are kittens xD

Asano Gakushu: There's something very wrong with that description.

Nakamura Rio: U KNOW WHT? If u mix ur hair wih t karma it woudl mak oRrnage

Asano Gakushu: That's it. I'm putting the phone down.

Nakamura Rio: nooOOOOO! KUSHU DONT LEAVE ME

Nakamura Rio: sTAYY SOME MORE

Asano Gakushu: If I compromise with talking with you over the phone, would you finally go to bed?

Nakamura Rio: yesss

Nakamura Rio: anythign for u anoso gkushu

Asano Gakushu: I'm going to assume that I'm 'Anoso Gkushu' again and I'll call you in a minute. Drink a glass of water.

Nakamura Rio: okokkay :::)

* * *

The phone picked up.

 _"Heeey, Kushu-kuun...everything is spinning here. Like, like a merry go round with fluffy dino...dino whatsits or somethin'."_

Returning the phone back to the table, Asano placed it on loudspeaker, letting Nakamura's loud (and extremely drunk) voice to fill the empty house. Rubbing his eyes, he settled back on the couch to lie down. "That's worrying, Nakamura. Have you drank a glass of water like I asked?"

 _Gulp. Gulp. "Yeah, already did Kushu-kun. It was yummy, tasted like cotton candy."_

 _She's too far gone,_ Asano thought, pinching the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes. _I wonder when will I be able to sleep._

" _Kushu-kuunn."_

"What is it Nakamura?" he said, though his voice was slightly muffled by the hand trying to stifle his yawn. "Have you decided to go to bed?

" _Don't be silly, Kushu-kuun,"_ she slurred in a condescending tone, well as condescending as you can sound while being drunk. Asano can barely make out the words that she was saying as it is. _"I_ _wanna tell you a se...a secret. Pwomise you won't tell an'yone?"_

He really wants to fall asleep. Best get this over with. "I promise."

 _"Rweally? You rweally rweally promise?"_

"Yes, I promise," he said, stifling another yawn. "Just tell me." _This pillow was really soft_ , he thought as he shifted to a more comfortable position, keeping an ear open for her reply.

 _"You won't laugh?"_

"I won't laugh. Tell me, Nakamura."

 _"My secret is..."_ Pause. " _I wanna be an Asano."_

 _Oh is that it?_ his mind filtered as sleep gradually overtook him. Talking to the drunk blonde was more taxing on his body than he thought. "Ah, well that's nice...so...you can go to sleep...now...Nakamura...right?"

 _"Uh! G'nite, Kushu-kun."_

"Night."

And Asano Gakushu was out like a light.

It was not until the next morning that the implication of her words finally settled in his mind.

* * *

 _Next morning..._

Asano stifled a yawn as he walked into the building, his suit neatly pressed and his hair slicked back into its usual professional style. Greeting the receptionist at the front desk, he quickly made his way towards the elevator. Pressing the up button, he waited impatiently as the elevator took its time to get to his floor.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

Asano raised an eyebrow as he took out his phone, sliding the screen to view the message received. He was surprised to see that it was from Nakamura.

He figured due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed the night before, she would have woken up with a hangover around midday or so.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

 _Buzz. Buzz._

However, as he watched bemusedly as the messages flooded his inbox, apparently he was wrong. It seems she had a higher tolerance for alcohol than he previously thought.

 _Ding._

Asano looked up to see the elevator had arrived, neatly stepping inside he briefly greeted his subordinates with a polite smile before returning his attention back to the buzzing phone.

* * *

Nakamura Rio: Oh my gosh.

Nakamura Rio: Did I really say all of that to you?

Nakamura Rio: Please tell me that someone took my phone and did a bad impersonation as me.

Nakamura Rio: Asano, reply me, damn it.

Asano Gakushu: Nakamura, I see that you're awake.

Nakamura Rio: I regret everything.

Nakamura Rio: Everything.

Asano Gakushu: Even about you're little secret?

Nakamura Rio: I didn't.

Nakamura Rio: You're lying about that, right?

Nakamura Rio: I deny everything.

Asano Gakushu: So you deny about wanting to become an Asano?

* * *

He was drawn from the screen when the elevator voice chimed.

 _Twelfth_ _floor. CEO Main Office._

Stepping out, Asano smoothed his face into the professional mask that his father had drilled relentlessly into him since young. He stopped by at his secretary, who was funnily enough a former student of Class 3-E Yada Toka.

"Good morning, Asano-san," Yada said in her usually chirpy voice, handing him a stack of files. "Here are the files from the background checks you wanted on the companies you are scheduled with meeting next week. As for the preparations for the the board meeting, I have already placed the necessary paperwork on the desk for you to peruse before it begins at 9 o'clock sharp. I have already updated the rest of your day schedule on your tablet, but I will be sure to inform you anyways."

At first when he had hired her, he had his reservations about her ability to be his secretary due to her former placement in Class 3-E (regardless of whatever Karma had since told him about the 'secret government mission' that they had to undergo). But after a year of working with her, her efficiency and reliability had continuously impressed him and he had made her his permanent secretary.

"Thank you, Yada," he said, accepting the files. "I'll be in my office then until the meeting. Please turn away anyone unless it is terribly urgent."

"Understood, Asano-san!" Yada said, mock saluting. As she turned to return to her desk, she was startled when a loud buzzing sound came from behind her.

 _Buzz. Buzz._

 _Buzz. Buzz._

"That is one persistent messenger that you have there," she commented, when she realized when it was coming from her boss's phone. _Buzz. Buzz._ "Usually you don't have that many people messaging you, Asano-san. Hm, I wonder who it is? Anyone you know?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," he said but did not elaborate further. _Buzz. Buzz._ "Get back to work, Yada. I'll see you in an hour."

"Hai!"

In the safety of his office, Asano left a smirk slide on his face as he read the latest reply from Nakamura.

* * *

Nakamura Rio: No no no no.

Nakamura Rio: NO!

Nakamura Rio: YOU DID NOT HEAR THAT FROM ME!

Nakamura Rio: I DID NOT WRITE THAT! IT WAS MY EVIL TWIN OR SOMETHING!

Nakamura Rio: REN, YOU ARE A BASTARD FOR TAKING ME OUT DRINKING!

Nakamura Rio: EVERYTHING I SAID IS A LIE!

Nakamura Rio: GODDAMNIT ASANO, I DENY EVERYTHING.

Asano Gakushu: For what little it's worth, I had a very interesting however exhausting night of my life.

Nakamura Rio: Don't say it like that. It sounds weird.

Nakamura Rio: Oh my gosh, I'm going to kill Ren.

Nakamura Rio: How much did I drink?

Nakamura Rio: Wait, don't answer that.

Nakamura Rio: I don't think I can look you in the face for a week after this.

Asano Gakushu: That's a shame. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for lunch today.

Nakamura Rio: ...

Nakamura Rio: ...

Nakamura Rio: Wait, you're serious?!

Asano Gakushu: Is that a no?

Nakamura Rio: Wait, no!

Nakamura Rio: I mean yes!

Asano Gakushu: I'm confused, is it a yes or a no?

Nakamura Rio: (stop smirking you bastard) No to the question, yes to the lunch.

Nakamura Rio: I am very happy to accept free lunch.

Nakamura Rio: ...you're paying right?

Asano Gakushu: Yes, I'm paying.

Nakamura Rio: Okay! :)

Nakamura Rio: You're going to forget about the whole thing right? Right?

Nakamura Rio: This stays between us!

Asano Gakushu: Of course.

Nakamura Rio: Good.

Asano Gakushu: But did you really regret it?

Nakamura Rio: Yes. I regret everything.

Asano Gakushu: Even that confession?

Nakamura Rio:...maybe?

Asano Gakushu: Fascinating.

Asano Gakushu: But I'm concern, did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

Nakamura Rio: ...

Nakamura Rio: ...

Nakamura Rio: I am **never** drinking alcohol again.

* * *

 **Like. Comment. Re-read.**

 **A/N:** I had _so_ much fun writing this. XD This is hilarious.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing this.

P/S: In the end, they did go out for lunch as a nearby cafe at the building Asano works at. From there, they sort of hit off (before the whole 'drunk episode' they were more of acquaintances that got along through their mutual friend Sakakibara Ren) and started to date in the next two weeks or so. And after some drama (courtesy or Papa Asano and Big Bro Karma) they got married, have a two children; one boy and one girl; and lived happily ever after. The End.

-The Last Deathly Guardian


End file.
